Here are 11 Mother’s Day gifts to strike from your brain immediately.
Repeat: do not give your mother these items for Mother’s Day. Or any day, really.
1. Macaroni art
Sorry, adult child. These works of art, while delightful, don’t fly if you’re over age eight.
2. Gwyneth Paltrow’s favorite bee sting treatment
Letting your mother get stung by bees is not a good gift.
3. A lame IOU note
As all the world’s great poets have said, “Why don’t you just do the thing now?”
4. A “Mom” tattoo on your own flesh
She is a good woman. Don’t put her through this.
5. Any dessert involving fondant
Fondant shapes might be adorable, but don’t let them deceive you: fondant tastes like sugar plastic.
Fon-don’t give your blessed mother fondant.
6. Handmade packaging if you are not a kid or an artist
It’s not cute anymore. But don’t worry, you still are!
7. A framed photo of you without your siblings
If you aren’t the favorite sibling now, this isn’t going to change things.
8. A card that is on sale
Just spend one more dollar.
9. A pet of any kind
We can’t trust you to remember which animals your mother is allergic to.
10. A passive-aggressive gift
What are you, a monster?
11. Tickets to Hamilton
Keep them for yourself. If your mom wants to see Hamilton, she can enter the lottery on her own damn time.