The Illuminati is a secret society founded in 1776 that is bent on world domination. The Illuminati has cast a wide net and infiltrated the world’s banking, political, entertainment, and academic sectors. Their members consist of the worlds most powerful and influential people. Upon joining, members are sworn to secrecy and rarely acknowledge the organization’s existence.
Our crack-team of investigators has risked life and limbs to bring you these shocking revelations. In the following pages we will reveal some the Illuminati’s most powerful members.
10. Barack Obama
We all know that president Obama is a communist-Muslim who is trying to undermine America as we know it, but that is far from his only agenda. Obama is also a high ranking member of the Illuminati and his subversive plans for America fall into a larger scheme to augment the secret society’s power.
9. Ellen DeGeneres
Ellen DeGeneres hates gay people, more specifically, gay men. While a prominent lesbian herself, she considers male homosexuality to be an abomination and uses her wealth and entertainment industry influence to undermine the male gay marriage movement. Ellen actively set out to join the Illuminati to gain a powerful ally for her ambitions.
In exchange for her services, mostly in the form of subliminal propaganda campaigns, the Illuminati is actively working to fulfill Ellen’s ultimate goal: a take-over of Australia, followed by a banishment of all male homosexuals therein, turning the country into the world’s first lesbian colony, and establishing her as Queen of the Lesbians.
8. Jay Z
Jay Z was a member of the Illuminati’s “Department of Urban Sabotage,” his duties included selling drugs (mostly crack) to inner city youths in an attempt to undermine urban development. His talents for rapping and business were quickly noticed by the leadership and they went on to finance his entertainment career.
He has now risen to become the head of the Illuminati’s entertainment arm, where it is his duty to influence young people in whatever matter he is ordered to by the elusive society’s leadership.
7. Adam Levine
How as can you explain the success of such a talent-less hack? The Illuminati backed his “band,” Maroon 5, with their money and influence and forced his whiny, crappy music down our collective throats. Much like the Gods they think they are, the Illuminati works in mysterious ways. Our investigative team managed to uncover documents that prove their backing of Adam Levine, but we have not been able to find out what evil purpose is behind the operation.
Know this, Adam Levine is an Illuminati agent and he has managed to infiltrate pop-culture. We must be watchful of his douchebaggery.
6. June Shannon
The Illuminati recruits the world best and brightest minds. So it’s no surprise that we found irrefutable evidence that June Shannon, Honey Boo Boo’s mother, is a high ranking member and part of the so-calledCouncil of Strategic Planning that weaves the complicated webs behind the clandestine organization’s plans.
Honey Boo Boo’s mom deals in high level cloak-and-dagger operations that reach the highest levels of the American, Jamaican, and Swedish governments. Her cunning mind and lack of scruples make her the perfect agent for this type of grand scheming.
The Illuminati also deal in large-scale honey-pot operations. It recruits some of the world’s most beautiful and sophisticated women to seduce the world’s most influential men in order influence or later blackmail their decision making.
Look no further than Snooki, of Jersey Shore fame. we uncovered documents stating that she was recruited to lure and seduce men like the secretary general of the United Nations; Ban Ki-moon, as well as Nelson Mandela, Steve Jobs and Tyler Perry. All of these powerful men have succumbed to her classy allure and subsequently become pawns for the secret society.
4. Paula Deen
In keeping with their tradition of deploying the world’s greatest mind to further realize their ambitions, master chef, Paula Deen, was brought into the fold in an ingenious plan to poison the poor.
She meticulously promotes and sells unhealthy food to lower income Americans in an operation meant to “thin the heard.” Paula Deen’s food products, sold in super markets across the United States, are secretly laced with crack as well.
3. Iggy Azalea
We’re not sure who this is. Her name appeared numerous times in many of the secret documents we managed to acquire. Using an internet tool known as “Google,” we managed to find this photograph of her. She should be considered EXTREMELY dangerous.
2. Tom, From MySpace
MySpace was an Illuminati tool meant to keep tabs on the entire world. It was the brain-child of a shadowy figure known only as, Tom.
An inside informant, with great risk to his life, recounted that Tom from MySpace, and June Shannon (the mother of Honey Boo Boo) concocted the brilliant plan to gain access to everyone’s personal and financial information via a massive social networking site.
Our informant later dropped this bombshell: Tom is Honey Boo Boo’s real father. When Mama June became pregnant, Tom wanted out of the Illuminati because he did not want his child involved in their dangerous, high-stakes game of world domination. Which in turn led to his rebelling against the organization and sabotaging MySpace from within, leading to the websites sudden downfall.
Tom was never heard from again, and to this day, he remains a hero to those who struggle against the Illuminati.
1. Justin Bieber
Justin Bieber has been trying to join the Illuminati for years, but they have consistently rebuffed him. The pop-singer has gone so far as to get an Illuminati tattoo in hopes of impressing the leadership. So far, we’ve gathered that the Illuminati at least in this instance, agree with the rest of the world; they hate Mr. Bieber.
We’ve saved the most dangerous piece of evidence for last; the only known picture of the Illuminati’s leader. The brave reporter who obtained the picture was killed in the process. His name was Barry McCociner. His heroism will forever be remembered, his memory will live on, and we will expose the Illuminati in your honor. We miss you Barry.